It starts with you: How working on yourself first heals your marriage

Many couples reach out to me, expressing their deep desire to transform their marriage into something richer and more connected. However, they often share a common barrier: their spouse is not willing or ready to join in the effort. If you find yourself in this situation, I want to share with you a hopeful perspective and actionable steps that can lead to positive changes, even when you're starting this journey solo.

The Reality of Solo Efforts in Marriage

It's a common scenario in my practice: one partner is deeply committed to reviving the marriage, while the other remains disengaged or outright resistant. This can feel isolating and frustrating, but it's crucial to recognize that you have more influence than you might think. You can initiate change and, potentially, inspire your spouse to eventually join the effort.

Changing the Dance of Marriage

I often describe marriage as a dance. Both partners have their steps and rhythms that have become their norm, developed over years or even decades. If you change your steps, the entire dance has to adapt. This means that by altering how you interact with your spouse, you can effect change in the dynamic of your relationship.

Taking Ownership

The first step in transforming your marriage on your own is to take complete responsibility for your feelings, thoughts, and actions. This doesn't mean blaming yourself for the issues at hand; rather, it's about recognizing your power to affect change. For example, consider how you react to your spouse's behaviors and how you might shift your responses to encourage a more positive interaction.

A Real-Life Example

Let me share a story about a client who came to me feeling lonely and disconnected in her marriage. Her husband, absorbed in his work, rarely engaged emotionally or helped around the house. They were stuck in a pattern where he would retreat into his work, and she would handle everything else, feeling increasingly isolated.

The Turning Point

This client hadn't found success with individual therapy because it didn’t address the marital dynamic. When she came to me, desperate for change, we discussed not just her unhappiness but also her power to initiate different outcomes. We explored her husband’s background and discovered he was raised in an emotionally stunted environment, which helped explain, though not excuse, his behavior.

Implementing Change

We worked on shifting her expectations and her reactions to his behaviors. Instead of preparing for disappointment, she began to engage him in new ways. She altered her routine to create opportunities for connection, suggesting new activities and making space for him to open up. Over time, these changes began to thaw his reserved demeanor, leading him to engage more in the relationship.

Engaging the Reluctant Spouse

As she changed her approach, her husband noticed the differences and slowly started to respond. Encouraged by her changes, he began to share more of himself, and their communication improved. Eventually, he agreed to join the counseling sessions, intrigued and hopeful about the positive shifts he observed.

Lessons Learned

This story underscores a powerful lesson: even in a partnership, significant change can start with one person. When one partner changes their approach, the dynamics of the relationship can shift, opening the door to deeper changes that involve both partners.

Moving Forward

If you’re feeling stuck in your marriage because your spouse won’t participate in counseling or self-improvement efforts, consider what changes you can initiate on your own. Start small and focus on altering your behaviors and reactions. These changes can create an environment that fosters mutual growth and may eventually encourage your spouse to join you in this journey.

Remember, it’s not about forcing change but inspiring it through your own actions. Marriage is indeed a dance, and sometimes changing your steps can lead both partners towards a more harmonious rhythm.

For those who resonate with this message and are looking for support, remember that you’re not alone. Many have walked this path and found fulfillment by taking charge of their part in the marriage. If you have questions or need guidance, feel free to reach out or leave a comment below. Let’s navigate this journey together, fostering marriages that aren’t just endured but are joyfully lived.